06/01/2012

I’m stuck again…sigh.  I am so-o-o-o close to being out of the 180’s that I can taste it and my body has decided to not let me go any lower 181.2 for the last 11 days.  I hit 181.8 on May 22nd and then popped back up to 182.6 for 2 days but I have been at 181 point something for the last 8 days. Here is what it has looked like:

5/22/2012 181.8
5/23/2012 182.6
5/24/2012 182.6
5/25/2012 181.2
5/26/2012 181.2
5/27/2012 181.4
5/28/2012 181.2
5/29/2012 181.2
5/30/2012 181.4
5/31/2012 181.6
6/1/2012 181.4

 I have continued to stay on-protocol but I am getting a little frustrated at this point. I thought I would just sail through the 180’s since I don’t really remember being at this weight for any length of time but that is not proving to be the case.

I’m under a whole lot of stress right now which may be the reason I am having problems getting any lower.  The stress of moving my Dad, who has Alzheimer’s, and his response to that move has been one huge stress since the beginning of May.  I also have found out I may need major surgery but won’t know for sure until I see a specialist on June 11th so that has been another on-going stress.  Caring for my two youngest grandchildren on a daily basis has been another on-going stress but that will stop after tomorrow when they start going to a regular caretaker.  I love my grandkids but it has been extremely hard on me doing their daily care, especially when I am having health problems and am also trying to care for my Dad at the same time.

So I am trying my best not to lose focus.  I know if I just stick with the protocol my body will eventually release the weight it is holding on to just as it has in the past but it is really, really difficult some days. I have gone so far as to stand in the kitchen actually contemplating having something that would derail all my past efforts. I know it would make me feel better for a few moments but only for those few moments.  Knowing myself the way that I do, those few moments of feeling better would probably cause me to start on a downhill slide that I might not recover from.

In the past, I would have just gone with that urge to feel better in the short-term without any thought to how it would affect me in the long-term.  I would have said stupid things like “What difference does it make?” or “What’s the point?” or “It’s just too hard!” or “I want to feel better NOW!”  But now I am learning that I don’t need to sabotage myself to feel better.  I just need to feel those feelings, acknowledge that I am sick, stressed, tired, scared, etc.  Food doesn’t take away any of those feelings. It just covers them up for a little while but they always come back until they are finally dealt with. 

Well, this time I am feeling all those unpleasant feelings without eating for comfort and I know eventually it will finally pay off.

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